The Chairs of Chaos

Things naturally fall into chaos if they aren't taken care of...

     Gardens
             Houses
                    Lawns
                          Carpets
                                 Lightbulbs
                                             Cars
                                                  Piles of mail and bills and whatnot
                                                            The human body
                                                    The mind              
                                             The soul
                                  Relationships
                        Marriages
                Friendships
          Children
Chairs...

I have let a lot of things go in my life.

For some strange reason I didn't know life took so much

                                             W-o-r-k.

That it took so much
                                     effort
                                                 to maintain    

                let alone improve and grow and blossom and flourish.


Look at these chairs:

This is what became of many parts of my life.

And I'm not really sure why.

Not only did my chairs look like this --

   but my house looked like this
                (my basement especially looked like this -- worse, I'd say)
            my desk looked like this
                          (piles and piles of paper who-knows-what)              
                    my mind looked like this
                       my marriage looked like this
                                 my friendships looked like this
                                                                 
and here's the scary part:

I didn't realize how bad everything looked.  I knew, but I didn't know.

I didn't know how far in disrepair it all was.

Like stripping the fabric from these chairs --

Oh Yikes!!  I can't believe how dirty these are!!  I've been living this way?!


This way of life was a bar in my cage.  (Many bars in my cage...)  That I had placed there.  On purpose (I guess... according to my therapist.  Seriously?!  I let my house (etc.) be like this on Purpose?!  Why in the world do I do that?!)  Apparently I'm supposed to be the one that answers that question.


I still haven't figured out why I let it get so bad... why it went so far.

I still have a lot of figure out...


But what I do know...

                                   is that I don't want to live that way anymore.


There is no need to.


Finally.
        There is no need to.


This is part of my fluttering leaves (aka sort-of-turning-a-new-leaf):

I am going to take care of things.

I am going to take care of
                                 my house
                                     my lawn
                                           my car
                                                my desk
                                                       my relationships
                                                               (especially my relationships)

and....

                                                   my chairs.

Leaf Flutters (aka turning-over-a-new-leaf)

Leaf Flutterings

Sometimes it seems we need to turn over a new leaf.

Fluttering leaves captured by my mom.

To start over -- to begin again -- to start fresh and clean and new.

But no matter how many leaves we try to turn or twist or bend or toss...

                         ... we are still the same person.

Really.


We can change how we live

     We can change the choices and decisions we make

           We can change our language or our style
                                                             or the way we saunter across a room


But we are the same "me" after the leaf turn as we were before.


A person could lose 160 pounds....

      they could go through a massive change in how they think and
                                                                                 act and view the world...


            and they would still be the same beautiful mess of molecules that they were before.


In a good way.


I debated whether I should start a brand new blog.  One that wasn't full of former thoughts and musings.  One that wasn't who I was before.

But I still am the me I was before.

And that's life.

We can change -- even drastically -- but we can't get rid of our past.


And I wouldn't want to.

My past makes me who I am.


So instead of turning over a new leaf...

               I am pondering the flutterings of the many leaves of me.


     I see them

                blowing in the wind

                            catching the sunlight as they dance and wave

                                                                                                   and change.

A newness

           -- maybe not fresh and clean --

                                     but catching the light in beautiful and new ways.


A fluttering

              in my heart

                           to journey on.

The Vertical Life

A poem in response to Logion 52 from the Gospel of Thomas.

Feet planted.

Growing deep…

rooted down…

deep into the ground.

Hands up.  Stretched high.

Poking through the sky ceiling

and into the dark cosmos depths.

Body

stretched and ribbon long.

Face turned up.  To the Son.

Soaking in Love.  Peace.

Living a Vertical Life.

Come, Lord Jesus.

His students said,

"Each of Israel's twenty-four prophets

spoke about you."

Jesus said,

"You ignore the living one in your presence

and speak only about the dead."

(Logion 52)

The Singular Always Inconvenient Invitation

"I would hate to think of my teacher suddenly appearing before me, extending that singular but always inconvenient invitation, and hearing myself offer the knee-jerk response, 'I'm sorry, that doesn't work for me.'" -- Cynthia Bourgeault

A poem.  Based on Logion 64 from the Gospel of Thomas and Cynthia Bourgeault's commentary.


The Singular Always Inconvenient Invitation

It comes at the worst possible time...

right when I've figured everything out.

Of course.

So…

do I silence the call?

Or take the jump?

Come, Lord Jesus.

Jesus says,

A man was having guests, and

when he had prepared the dinner,

he sent out his servant to call them.

He went to the first and said,

"My master calls you."

He replied, "I have some funds

for some merchants who are

coming to me this evening.

I beg to be excused from dinner."

He went to another saying,

"My master has invited you."

He said to him,

"I have bought a house which

requires a day of my time.

I am too busy to come."

He came to another and said to him,

"My master calls you."

He said to him,

"My friend is getting married,

and I am cooking the wedding dinner.

I ask you to excuse me."

He went to another one and said,

"My master calls you."

This one replied, "I have bought a farm,

and I am on my way to pay taxes.

I cannot come. Please excuse me."

The servant went back to his master and said,

"Those you invited to dinner

have all excused themselves."

The master said to the servant,

"Go outside onto the roads. Seize them there,

and bring them here to eat.

Those busy buying and selling

cannot get into my Father's realm."

(Logion 64)

Living Water

A poem in response to Logion 74 from the Gospel of Thomas


I blink.

And realize…

the fountain I've been standing in front of is empty.

Always has been…

unbeknownst to me.

I grieve the water of this life I thought I knew.  The water that never was.

I stumble backward…. afraid … is everything not as it was?

And I fall.

Splash.

Into the deep well of Spirit and Life and Breath and Love

right here.  Inside me.

Come, Lord Jesus.

Jesus says,

O Lord,

Many have gathered around the fountain,

but there is nothing in the well.

(Logion 74)

The Burglars

A poem in response to Logion 21b from the Gospel of Thomas:


I jump at the sound.

My heart quickens.

They burrow in from underneath

seemingly innocent and necessary

-- approval, esteem, power, control, survival, security --

but soon their sharp yellow eyes glow

and rob me of peace.


But wait…

their yellow eyes turn golden and kind... kittens curled on my lap… to be loved, accepted and noticed within this deeper river of life.

Awake, O Soul.

Keep watch.  And wake.

Come, Lord Jesus.

[Jesus says,]

So then, I must also tell you this:

if the master of a household

realizes that a thief is coming,

he will keep watch before he gets there

to prevent him from tunneling into his domain

and stealing his possessions. So from

the beginning of the cosmos, therefore,

you must also keep watch,

binding great power to yourselves,

so that thieves cannot find a way

to get to you. Any outside help

you look for they will try to seize first.

May there be someone among you

who truly understands this.

(Logion 21b)

The Unveiling

A poem, of sorts, in response to Logion 113 from the Gospel of Thomas:


As a bride's veil is lifted -- uncovering the haze before her eyes --

She sees in brighter colors and sharper form.

Ah.  Here is the One in front of me.

The apocalypse.

             The unveiling.

It is the moment she "steps fully into the Now"

Eyes open.      Mystery wide.

Dipping her fingers into the wide yawn of Life.

The awakening.

Come, Lord Jesus.


His students asked him, 
"On what day will the kingdom arrive?" 
"Its coming cannot be perceived 
from the outside," he said. 
"You cannot say, 
'Look, it's over there,' or 
'No, here it is.' 
The Father's realm 
Is spreading out 
Across the face of the earth, 
And humanity is not able 
To perceive it." 
(Logion 113, Gospel of Thomas)